Hi, I’m Newt Gingrich, current Republican front runner and the man most deserving to be your next president. I’m the smart one. You remember the nineties, right? I totally nailed it. I should have been president ten minutes after Bill whipped his little Willy out, right? It’s like I always say “Keep searching until you find the kind of wife who’ll do what go to a mistresses for,”—that’s what keeps a marriage sacred. Life’s short and you should never wait. Right, Marianne, er, Callista?
Anyway, I crap more ideas than Einstein’s diarrhetic. I’ve written books. True to life tales about how Abraham Lincoln was the original Republican segregationist. The original American. How Lincoln could with just a few letter swaps, be the undeniable reincarnation of Jesus ‘No Taxes’ Christ. Read “The True Lincoln and How Obamacare Rapes Children” by me, Lord Newton Q Gingricher to find out more. Every word is 110 percent true. Although you might wanna take it slow, there’s a lot of three-syllable words.
Some of my opponents, I won’t name names, believe in some foreign, weird Gods. Unamerican Gods. Joesph Smith, that’s just some crazy made-up stuff, right? I mean, how can you trust a man in purple itchy underwear? Real Americans wear silk and like Rambo, go commando. Always.
Oh yea, ideas, that’s what Newton is all about. Giant electric border fence—mine. Amnesty for Republican foreigners—mine. New wars against Iran, Syria and North Korea—that’s me, baby. These are the kind of ideas that’ll keep the economy humming like a blond Fox anchor after happy hour. Hey, what’s that on the ground? Oh, it’s just an idea I had. Look here, I just solved (blank). I could tell you what blank is, but you’re just going to have to vote for me to find out the rest of this Madlib. It’s really good. I mean, Einstein crappingly good.
Recently, the liberal media went after me after some comments I made in Des Moines. I said—very factually—that poor, inner city youth don’t know how to work because their lazy welfare-sucking parents are too busy draining the economy to show up to a job. Of course, the liberal media (cough) pussies (cough) took the actual tape and played it in it’s entirety totally missing ANY context. Latte swilling, small headed idiots.
I didn’t want to release my idea yet—everything should be done on The Matrix’s schedule, you know—but my comments were really a pretext for my plan to save education. I know what you’re saying, “Dammit, Mr. President, another do nothing Washington plan that’ll cost kajillions! No way!”
Well, first, kajillions isn’t a real number. You’d know that if you were as smart as me. Not possible. And second, this idea is 110 percent free to my tax-paying base supporters.
I present to you—Newt’s School for the Urban Youth…(wait for applause)…It’s an all encompassing plan fully paid for by America’s true heroes—those hard scrabble idealists at Walmart, Nike, Peabody Electric, The US and Chinese Army, British Petroleum and The Bank of America. After I’m appointed President, on day two, all inner city schools and schools in rural or democratic areas will be demolished, the refuge hauled away by our sponsors for environmental reallocation.
Then the education begins. As my daddy’s chauffeur, who is colored, once said, “You’re never too young to learn the value of work, boy, now pick up that soiled diaper and have the maid get you a new one.” Inspiring words and that’s just what I want every underprivileged boy over the age of six months to do— pick up that dirty diaper of laziness and get to work.
Their first year of school will be dedicated to rebuilding their own schools. Think of the pride they’ll have in building their own schools, finding the lumber from the nearby landfill. Repurposing the previously used materials they find for everything from chairs to food. A hard day’s work with the payment of learning a trade. These are dividends that keep on giving. But school isn’t just about learning how to use a lathe without losing the important fingers, it’s about education. Every student will learn the five hundred-plus phrases they’ll need to succeed in life, be it in fast food OR landscaping. Phrases like, “Right away, sir” and “It’s on the house” and more complex phrases like “I’ll do it when you leave, so you don’t have to see me work.” Plus, the students will know what the phrases actually mean.
And isn’t a cash register nothing but math come to life? The more industrious students may graduate into a white collar lifestyle, learning how to deal with real Americans on the phone and helping them with their customer’s needs. A truly gifted program that doesn’t waste the true tax-payer’s dollars.
What about all the teachers of these formerly failing schools, you ask. Of course, I have the answer. No stone is left unturned, not only a personal motto, but also the motto of my prototype school, Detroit’s PS199, The John Galt School for the Unexceptional.
All teachers will be rehired by our sponsors. This is as mandatory as Parent/Worker night. (I’m thinking Saturday night to help cut down on shenanigans.) The rehired teachers will work alongside empl–students, as middle management, if you will. Good thing about middle management, no communist unions and only 39 hour weeks to avoid the hassle of full-time benefits. They won’t have as much lesson plans to plan or class room teaching to do, as the students should view them in a supervisory manner. And since this IS America, all teachers’s compensation is based on meeting the various quotas or “Daily Student Goals.”
They say that you learn everything you need to know by age six. That’s certainly true for me, but I want to give the kids more. At Newt’s School for the Urban Youth, every student will be ready to enter the workplace by age ten, fully able to actively contribute to disciplines as varied as maid or car wash attendant or bartender or even kill floor supervisor.
That’s over nine years of full-time, year-round education. Free, fully paid for and vetted under the watchful gaze of our beneficent sponsors.
It’s like what my dad–the third smartest person I know–once said, “Old enough for object permanence, old enough to get me a drink.”
Of course, if I told you all the details of this exciting new opportunity, your eyes would glaze over and you’d probably drool all over your blouse shirt, just trying to comprehend the genius. Trust me, daddy knows what he’s doing.
However, you can read about some of my, frankly, super-genius ideas in my new book, just out on Neo-Con Press, called, “Free at Last: Lincoln Solves the Unemployment Crisis, Education Kerfuffle and Finally Gets Laid.” It’s got pictures so everyone can understand it. And a dog.
I hope this talk clears up any misunderstandings you have had about me. And don’t forget to ‘vote’ this, uh, November. Have a good evening and keep working hard for a better, richer America.
(Off mic) Carmelito, this drinkee-poo needs a topper….